I Let Go

There was…a before. Then I gave life and you felt the changes. You were first, second then third. Death touched me, twice. And you watched me slip. Scars. Deep. Entrenched. I was a mother to two. And a daughter to none. A whisper, first. A breeze. Something…sinister followed. A crack. A gaping hole. Something grasping, Clawing from the inside. It was furious, desperate to be released. I lost my breath. I was drowning. Powerless. I tried. So hard. I tried. So. Many. Times. And you reached for me once. Our fingertips… brushed gently. But I gave in. To that…Abyss that was breathing inside me. I saw you try, rage alongside me. I saw you ache… Your ache haunts me. I saw your fear. I saw your defeat. Silence. Distance. Tears trail down my cheeks like your hands did. Once. Upon a time. …And I see you turn away. Inside my grief, and early motherhood, I had no more room. I did not let you in. I was solitary. Frozen. Self-destructive. Unrecognisable. I know. That I left you first. In being consumed I sank into the darkest parts of me. And I… lingered. Before resurfacing. I did not discard my shadows or my scars. They are mine and fused to me. I catch a glimpse in the mirror and there I see. The daughter who lost. The mother who gives. The woman who is there. And I breathe. The darkness bleeding into glorious colour. Sparring… and dancing. They…fit. Together. I breathe again. The sight before me looks familiar…but transformed. Like a memory and a future. Whole. I am facing her straight on now. I cannot look away. I see her. I see me. I am breathing. And I remember it all. But… now what?